Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize