don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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