first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
