uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
