Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize