sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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