My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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