I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
