yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
