went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
