I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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