Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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