Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
