so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
