me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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