Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
