She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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