i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
vagina is talking i cant
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
