T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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