i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
