dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
