Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
