you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
