the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
