I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
