Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
