I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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