Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
