I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
