oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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