I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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