It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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