my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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