I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
