Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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