I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
