You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
