My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
That was an excessively violent trivia night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
