You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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