just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
