Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
