drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My ATM looks so different sober.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
