i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
