i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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