i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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