Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
