How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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