Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
