I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
