i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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