Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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