Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
