I just threw up on my dentist
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
