he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
