What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
