I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
